Just to warn you, I'll be complaining about various things throughout this journal. There's a few things that have been bothering me lately, and I just feel like complaining. So, to anyone actually reading this, I'm sorry, I'll try to be happier next time.

So, my sister, Jackie, moved to California a couple years ago. Well, when she moved, she didn't sell her house. She rented it. The family that was renting it moved out a couple weeks ago and they completely destroyed the house. All the walls have to be repainted, the carpet replaced, ceiling tiles replaced, blinds replaced, and there's a broken window in the basement. It all has to be fixed and cleaned before she can sell it. And she's still in California, so it's up to my parents to deal with it. Well, my parents wanted to save money, so instead of hiring people to fix everything, we're doing it ourselves. Which sucks. Every single night, we go over there, and we don't get home until about 9:30. And I hate it. There's absolutely nothing I can do about. And I hate it.

I've also been trying, for the past four months, to get a job. I've put in applications everywhere I can think of, had a few interviews, and still can't get a job. I had one store that called and canceled my interview, and I didn't get the message until I was getting ready to leave. I even tried volunteering at a local charity, but I can't even get them to call me back. I'm offering to work for FREE, and I still can't get a job. Of course that's probably for the best anyways, since I don't even have enough money to put gas in my car right now. I'm making some money by making fleece hats and having Aleshia sell them at her school. But I don't get a lot of time to work on them because I'm over at Jackie's every night. (By the way, they're $7 if anyone's interested. I don't have any pictures yet, but I'll post them as soon as I do.)

I'm also trying to figure out how I'm going to pay for college next year. I'm going to a community college right now for free, but I'm also on my third year and it's a two year college. I want to go to an art college in Georgia and study animation, but it's expensive, and I have no money. I've been trying to look for scholarships, but that's going even worse than my job search, and I couldn't write a decent essay if my life depended on it.

So, we came home from working at Jackie's the other night, and there was a message on the answering machine. It was for me... from the army. It was just a random recruiting call, but my mom heard it. And now she won't shut up about enlisting me. Now, for those of you who have never met me before, I'm very small, and weak, and quiet. I can't run, I can't yell, and I avoid confrontation at all costs. I wouldn't even make it through basic training. My mom has been talking to Jackie about it (Jackie used to be in the air force), and she seems to think I'll do fine. But Jackie hasn't really seen me since I was 11, she doesn't even know me anymore. When my mom told my dad about it and he just sat there and laughed, which is exactly what I did, until we found out she was serious. Now, the one thing about this that really makes me mad, is that I remember what it was like when Jackie joined. What it was like for my mom when she left for basic, how my mom would cry and worry every time she got deployed (to places like England, and Guam, and Hawaii), how happy she was when her six years where done. But all it took was one message on our machine from the army, and she can't wait to ship me off to the war. Gee, I feel loved.

But the big thing, the reason I'm even writing this journal, is this. My mother has made a habit of informing me, every chance she gets, that I need to find a job, that I need to find a way to pay for college, that I need to do something with my life. Tonight, after I told her there was no way she was ever going to get me into the military, she went off on one her rants again. It lasted for a good 15 minutes. And it mostly consisted of her telling me that I was worthless. That my life was worthless. Along with every reason of why it was worthless. It's taken a lot of practice, and a little bit of therapy, but I've gotten pretty good at blocking her out when she says stuff like that. But about half an hour later, I was standing in the bathroom, brushing my teeth, and she walks by and tells me she was thinking about what she said. She asked me if I knew that, when she said I was worthless, she didn't mean that I shouldn't be alive. I couldn't believe it, she was actually making sure that I wasn't thinking about killing myself! As if I'd ever kill myself because of her. Because honestly, if I was ever going to kill myself for that reason, I would have been dead years ago.

And on top of all that... my mp3 player stopped working today T_T